COMMENTARY: IF IT WERE ME – How to Create The “Perfect” Female R&B Singer

This is a new feature for theCOOL that I’ve wanted to introduce for a while. I may be indecisive as all hell but I do know one thing and that is that I have the music industry pegged pretty well for a consumer. I figured why not give my opinion and thoughts on various subjects just for kicks. Hey, maybe someone will listen to me one day. That’d be nice. Anyway, here we go!

As a woman who takes R&B super seriously, I’ve always wanted there to be some dynamic force that would just sweep the industry and steal my heart, money, and attention for the duration of their career. For my gender’s sake, I’ve wanted this force to be a female of course but sadly, no one has fully lived up to my standards. I’ve come across some hopefuls, though, which brings me to my proposed ideal.

I’m about to get all Gene Wilder on you guys and tell you what I think what make the perfect female R&B singer. Take notes, Coporate America; a consumer is on the mic!

  • PERSONALITY: Nobody likes a Debbie Downer and no one seeks to like someone who’s about as entertaining as a wet rag. We need a woman who’s bright and brings the energy up no matter where she is. Don’t put on for my benefit because real recognizes real and fans see through that shit from a mile away.
  • TALENT: You would think that this would be a given, huh? Yeah, me too but apparently we have to throw this attribute in there as well. Sad times, I tell ya. Bring me somebody who will make me want to push my fears and insecurities to the side and learn an instrument or force myself to tap into the very little rhythm I have to learn a bomb choreo. Help me help me, music industry!

  • LIKABILITY: I’ve accepted the fact that the music industry is pretty much a popularity contest and has been that way for a long while. I can deal with this; just bring me someone who can be liked in the first place. Assholes have no place in my iTunes nor in the contents of my brain, so never present them to me.
  • MATERIAL: This is pretty simple, actually. Don’t give these girls who look and portray themselves as straight up librarians who have never set foot in a den of ungodliness these club tracks describing in detail what can, will, and shall be done to the next man who crosses her path. I don’t know about most girls, but I don’t lead that kind of double life. Shit is misleading and just plain uncouth. Yes, uncouth, so stop that to whoever is out there doing it or thinking about doing it.
  • SENSE OF SELF: The problem with the female singers who are out today is that they came into the industry one way, swore up and down that they’d remain that way, let fame get to them, and then they change. I get that change is inevitable, but damn; going from a straight up tomboy to a sex kitten who rides one infamous relationship too many out until people get tired of them is not the way to go. Now, you’re stuck wondering where your golden months went and how to get that old thing back. Here’s a tip, future ladies of R&B: BE YOURSELF! This money and attention is the most temporary aspect of the music business so if you let that deflect your focus from what you originally set out to accomplish, we’ll all be damned. Don’t damn me, ladies.

So, there you have it: my tips on how a “perfect” female R&B singer can be “created” in today’s industry, but can this type of artist truly be created? I would like to think that there is some girl out there who is genuinely sweet, has a great set of pipes (and may even play an instrument or five), is likable, has something meaningful (and relatable) to say, and knows who she is, who she wants to be, and strives to never deter from that despite what label heads may pressure her to do.

Of course, this is ALL based on what I would do if I were running a prominent record label or was searching for the next big thing. But that’s just if it were me

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One thought on “COMMENTARY: IF IT WERE ME – How to Create The “Perfect” Female R&B Singer

  1. PrettieBirdie says:

    That would be the case if it were me too! Man you have this pegged, lol! I just can’t with the majority of female r&b singers because they start out one way then I blink, blow my nose, or turn my head and they have no clothes on and are quoting Lil’ Kim lyrics…seriously! I see right through you and I am not impressed. Then you have the ones that are talented but sucky people….I can’t deal with sucky people especially when you have been super blessed. Then don’t try to portray yourself one way when you clearly are none of what you are trying to force me to believe. I see through it and I am not buying it. Oh and then there are the talentless hacks that clearly should be doing something else with their lives but apparently are getting a pass cause they are “cute”. Screw cute, can you blow? The industry would be much better if they actually listened to the people they are trying to sell to about what they would buy instead of telling them that they don’t know anything while telling me what I should think is hot <_<

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