In lieu of the MTV Video Music Awards ceremony that went down last night, we here at theCOOL felt it necessary to have our own little award show to those who did it up, did the most, and just did bad all around. Please know that if I mentioned an artist’s name in this post, it means they’re on my radar and I’m probably a huge fan. Fans have constructively critical voices that need to be flexed from time to time. Okay, let’s get started!
The Chad Ochocinco “Child Please!” Award goes to:
Rihanna for her Raggedy Ann getup and lackluster vocals during Eminem’s comeback performance for “Love The Way You Lie”. Ri, we love the way you manage to get performance slots considering your vocal handicap. Do you, hon! Just stop doing it on stage so much. All right.
The “LAWD, Where Did I Go Wrong” Award goes to:
The Barb herself, Nicki Minaj for her preshow performance of “Your Love/Check It Out” featuring the producer known as William and a special appearance by her hypeman Scaff Beezy. You know, I think this award should actually go to SB; hon, never be afraid to say no. We’ll still respect you.
The Justin Beiber “Damn You, Your Wrap, And Your Catchy Ass Songs” award goes to:
Well, Justin Beiber, of course! That “Somebody To Love” song has been embedded in my head for a good long while and I’m ashamed to say I got excited when the beat kicked up for it. I still refuse to buy an album until we all know what he sounds like once puberty is over for the Biebs. Just making that known.
The “Eh, You’re Cool But Where’s Chris Brown?” award goes to:
Old Man River, oop! I mean Usher. I don’t condone that damn “DJ Got A Long Ass Song Title” track and “OMG” was forced on me, but I will say that there was a great usage of the stage and lights for his set. He’s going on tour this winter with Trey Songz and supposedly Nicki Minaj so my recommendation is that he hire the set people from the VMAs to keep my attention during his set. Just sayin’.
The “Oh Snap, That Was YOU On That Song?” award goes to:
Mary J. Blige for Drake’s “Fancy” performance. I swore up and down that was Alicia Keys singin’ in the background on “Fancy”, but I was wrong as hell. As usual, she was extra. Honestly, I throw shade to MJB but I was once an avid fan; back in her Malcolm X baseball jersey, high ponytail and cut out visor days, she was my homie. Lately, though, she hasn’t been doing it for me. Maybe as she gets older, my musical taste isn’t allowing me to include her. I don’t know but I do know that I sorely missed T.I.’s verse on this.
The “It’s About Damn Time!” award goes to:
B.o.B and Hayley Williams for their first live performance of “Airplanes” together, ever! They met for the first time on the 11th and performed together the next night. I swear, I couldn’t make this shit up myself. I’m glad it went down like it was supposed to, though; Lord knows we did NOT need another BET Awards incident. Hayley was gettin’ it in too, havin’ a good ol’ time. Awesome.
(See, I’m not throwin’ shade in all these!)
The “I’d Like To Propose A Toast…I Said Toast, Motherfuckasssssss!” award goes to:
Aziz Ansari for his bang-up intro to Kanye’s “Runaway” performance. Everybody, especially ‘Ye stans, are tired of the jokes at his expense, but MTV picked the perfect person to bring the sacrificial lamb onstage. Kanye cosigned on Aziz a long ass time ago via Twitter; what the fuck are you people so sore about? LIGHTEN UP! This award is shared by Kanye for his overall performance, including a guest spot made by Pusha T. Nice!
“Hot N Fun” – N.E.R.D feat. Ciara: CiCi, honey, why? I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why she appeared onstage doin’ those same old tired ass back bends! Ciara, heed my advice: pause your singing career and go enroll yourself in a liberal arts program at the local university. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with a backup plan, that’s all I’m sayin’.
Welp, there you have it: the first annual “Let’s Be Frank” Awards brought to you by theCOOL. Do you agree or disagree? Did I miss something you felt was relevant? Let me know! Hopefully, we can do this again very soon.